Don't
by streeper3925
Summary: This is something personal that I've put up here before but this time I've decided to leave it.


"My kids are going to be home any minute." She breathed, desperation saturating her every word.

I didn't care. I had forgotten she even had kids, or a husband of 15 years. We were only inches away from one another and the scent of her was doing delicious things to my body. She had been backing away from me but now I had her cornered against the kitchen counter, my hands on either side of her hips.

"Ashley….I.."

I brought my hand up and slowly ran the pad of my thumb across her soft, parted lips.

"Do you want me to stop?" I whispered in her ear. I felt her shiver in response and smiled, brushing my lips almost imperceptibly across her cheek.

I pulled back to see her hooded eyes; irises almost fully engulfed by the black of her pupils. Her chest was now rising and falling in a slow, deep cadence. A pink tip darted to wet her lips and her eyes glanced to my own.

That was all the answer I needed.

I leaned my body heavily into hers and tilted my head. Her eyes slipped shut, and her breathing went from slow and deep to fast and erratic. Her body went rigid. I kept my eyes open, wanting to drink in the sight of her. But as our lips brushed, my eyes fluttered closed. _Heaven. Pure Heaven._

I wound my hand around her neck and gently caressed the fine hairs I found there. She still had both of her hands on the counter, the skin of her knuckles so taught I could see the curve of the bones just beneath. I was barely even kissing her and already she was about three seconds away from drawing blood.

I didn't want to move too fast; I just let my lips move gently against hers, loving the sharp inhale of breath it elicited. Taking it a bit further, I opened my mouth slightly and took her bottom lip into my mouth, sucking on it lightly before releasing it with a soft 'pop'. When I couldn't help myself any longer, when the need to _taste_ her became too much, I ran my tongue along her bottom lip and her hands shot to my hips. I could feel the tension seep out of her. Her nails dug into my flesh as her mouth opened fully and she forced her tongue into my mouth. I gasped at the contact and heat flooded my body as she pulled me impossibly closer to her, clawing at my back, deepening the kiss with voracity. She pushed against my shoulders and for a brief moment I thought she was pushing me away, wanting me to stop, when my back hit something hard.

"Oh!" I cried out.

My hands flew to the surface behind me. The island. I'm sure it should have hurt, but I felt nothing. Pain wise, anyway. I _definitely _was feeling something…everything more like. Her hands began exploring my body; tugging at my hair, scraping my scalp, trailing down my chest, my stomach, my back, tracing the curve of my spine. It was as though she couldn't decide where to start first. I arched into her body; every touch like a scorching heat; forever marking me. I nipped at her neck and a deep moan erupted from her lips. It's a good thing I was leaning on the island. My knees nearly buckled at the sound. _Jesus fucking Christ. _

I couldn't believe this was happening, she tasted so _good_; the feeling of her against me nearly making the pleasure I felt a bit painful, and I didn't want this to end. _Ever._ But, the need to breath became almost unbearable and I reluctantly ripped away in order to allow us both to inhale some much needed oxygen. Our ragged breaths mingled together; our now swollen lips were only inches away from each other. I rested my forehead against hers and opened my eyes the same moment she did.

All the oxygen I had replenished instantly escaped me as I took in her glazed eyes burning with a look that wasn't at all ambiguous. She yanked at the back of my neck and our lips met in a zealous kiss. The almost feral groan that escaped her mouth was my undoing. My God. I could feel the hot stickiness between my legs, the painfully enjoyable throb begging to be touched.

"You feel so good." I husked between kisses.

She bit my bottom lip before pacifying it with her tongue. I whimpered in response and gripped her by the waist; flipping us so that she was the one now trapped against the island.

I snaked my hands up under her dark blue cotton shirt, feeling the hot, soft skin beneath. She shuddered against me and I scratched my nails down her taut abdomen, eliciting a soft cry. Wanting to see the undoubtedly amazing skin I was caressing, I drew back and lifted it up over her shoulders; tossing the offending item somewhere to my right.

Undoubtedly amazing, indeed. I had always wondered if the freckles that lightly dusted her face also dusted other places on her body.

I used my index finger and slowly traced around the outlines of her silk black bra, biting my lip and delighting in the goose bumps that followed my every caress. I kissed her throat, her collarbone; allowing my tongue to ever so gently taste her skin as I did. Her breathing was coming in gulps and she choked on a sob when I licked in between the valley of her breasts. The hands intertwined in my hair gave a reflexive tug and I cast my eyes up to meet the sight of her head thrown back, teeth nibbling her bottom lip. I smirked against her skin as I continued to leave soft, open-mouthed kisses along the contours of her breasts. As I was about to fulfill one my many fantasies—taking one of those supple breasts in my mouth through the fabric of her bra—there was a muted thud outside. She gasped and shoved me away.

"Oh, God!"

She bent down and flung on her shirt; effectively mussing up her hair. She cursed under her breath and I moved out a hand to straighten the unkempt curls. Her glare stopped it mid-air and I cringed.

"_Don't_." Her voice was dangerously low.

She frantically paced through the house, as if we had been in those rooms and left evidence. We hadn't even made it out of the kitchen before I had pounced on her. She walked back into the kitchen where I was standing, patting down my hair, and finally looked at me. For a brief second, I was stricken by how unbelievably sexy she looked in that moment. The 'just had sex' look was ineffably _amazing_ on her.

"Um, you're here because we went out to lunch, and then we came back here so you could see the house…okay?" Her eyes held an edge of hysteria and I figured a sarcastic response would definitely result in a slap to the face. Because what she had just said was actually the truth. I invited her to lunch after school, and then she invited me to see her home since her husband and kids were out.

"Y-yeah, okay."

As soon as I finished my sentence, the door that lead to the garage opened and her youngest child burst through, a replica of her mother, those rich black curls bouncing with every step. I looked at my teacher's face and watched as the etched worry and distress transformed into a luminous smile. A twinge of jealously and sorrow raced through my veins before I realized how ridiculously stupid it was to be jealous of her daughter and a smile found its way across my lips. Emmalyn ran into her mother's arms and giggled. She really was just about the cutest thing ever.

"Mommy!"

"Hi, sweetie. How was the zoo?" She tucked an unruly strand of hair behind her daughter's ear.

"God awful." Her eldest daughter walked in with ear buds in and her face buried in her phone. Her mother rolled her eyes and nuzzled Emmalyn's nose as she went on and on about the 'huge elephants.' She was only four, so it sounded more like 'erephents.' Natalie walked past me without any recognition of my presence, and went up the stairs.

"She's just mad because I wouldn't let her stay home. But she knows she had fun, she just won't admit it! "

Her husband came in with bags, sunglasses, and a stuffed animal in his hands. He had raised his voice loud enough so Natalie could hear him from upstairs. There was a 'whatever' yelled down and I couldn't help but feel like I should be anywhere but in this kitchen. The urge to walk out the garage door her husband had just come in was almost irresistible. Emmalyn had run upstairs to her room after her dad had given her the stuffed elephant, and as she did the middle child Carson ran in with an alligator toy and an Evansville Zoo hat on top of his golden, curly hair. I remember Julie saying how people always think Carson is adopted because he doesn't look anything like the girls whom look just like their mother; Carson looks more like his father…well, when he had hair.

He ran right past Julie, who managed to tickle his side before he could get into the dining room. He let out a squeal and her eyes danced with mirth as a chuckle burst from her lips. I loved her laughter. I had never seen her with her kids before but the fact that she was such an affectionate mother made my heart swell with something akin to a gooey warmth.

I began to fidget and play with my necklace.

"Hi, Ashley. How are you?" Her husband looked at me and smiled.

I always thought he had the biggest, sweetest smile - it was so inviting. I began to feel nauseated. Why did he have to be so sweet? I was basically having an affair with his wife…no, I was having an affair with her, there was no basically. That's what we are doing. Engaging in a ridiculously doomed affair. _Oh, God. _Julie turned to me then and there was something swimming in those mocha pools I couldn't quite identify.

"Hey, Mr. H. I'm great." I chuckled and he chimed in with me.

"Please. You're in our house, you don't need to use the formality." He waved a dismissive hand. "Call me Jake." _Damn him and his impossible kindness and likability. _So much for the hating the enemy.

"All right then, Jake." I glanced at Julie and her eyebrows shot up. I cleared my throat.

"I invited your wife to lunch after school and then I asked to see your home…um, that's why I'm still here." I gave myself a mental pat on the back for sounding almost completely nonchalant. He wrapped his arm around his wife's waist.

"And what do you think?" I blinked, momentarily stunned into silence at the suggestion in his question. Then I realized what he was actually asking my opinion on and spoke up.

"Oh, it's beautiful. This neighborhood is just wonderful. And I've never met your kids before but they are adorable. You're a very lucky man Mr. Holloway."

I purposefully made eye contact with her on my last sentence. I couldn't tell you his reaction if I were held at gun point. Something for which I am not at all remorseful. Her eyes were swimming with that undefinable emotion again before she quickly down-casted her eyes and turned fully toward her husband, wrapping her arms around him. He looked at Julie with a look of awe, smiled and kissed her forehead. My stomach dropped and I turned away. They started talking about how the day was, and then began laughing when he told her about something funny 'Em' had done in the petting zoo.

I was beginning to feel dizzy. I couldn't take this. It felt like someone had just doused me with a bucket of icy cold water. They live in this house; they have had memories – fifteen years of memories – in this house. They have made three children – the thought of _how _they were made only worsened my nausea – they watch movies and eat together as a family in this house. They have a life together. I am screwing that up for her. I can't do that. I can't mess up her life just because my teenage hormones and silly heart think we might actually have more than a fleeting dalliance.

In the middle of my-for lack of a better word-freak-out, Jake asked how our lunch was. Julia walked over to the counter across from where I stood by the island and leaned against it, the loose blue shirt she was wearing accentuating her beautiful curves rather than covering them up. I blinked, glued my eyes to the tiled floor, and put my hands in my pocket. My eyes shot back up after a second. Had he asked me a question? Oh, crap. What did he say?

"We had ice cream at Jerry's, it was good…I was actually just getting ready to take her back to the school. I won't be long." Julie piped in. She pecked him on the cheek and turned to grab her keys and purse that were carelessly tossed on the counter not ten minutes ago.

"Okay, I'm going to put Em down for a nap. Be careful. It was nice to see you, Ashley." He smiled once more at me and headed for the stairs.

"You too." I managed a wobbly smile.

I watched as he ascended the stairs and let out an elongated breath. How long had I been holding that? She walked over to me and motioned to the door that led into the garage. She put her hand on the small of my back, sending goose bumps to every part of my body.

Once we were in her van and backing out of her driveway, I turned my head to look at her. She was _so_ beautiful; her short, slightly tousled, black hair. Her high jaw line and thin neck, her petite waist…her curves were definitely not lacking, though. She had amazingly delicious curves, ones I couldn't resist staring at every chance I could get. _And her hands. God, those hands._ They were so feminine, her long fingers and nails that were _always_ painted…

"Why are you staring at me?"

I was unaware of the fact that I was biting my lip as I blatantly ogled her. I glanced up to see those doe-like eyes gazing back at me. Even though she had asked why I was staring, she shifted slightly in the seat and I could have sworn her cheeks had tinted to a delightful shade of pink. _Hmm._

"Because you are absolutely gorgeous."

She closed her eyes briefly and sighed.

"Ashley, stop."

"Stop what? C'mon, Julie. You have to know how I feel about you…I want to be with you all of the time, and when I am all I want to do is hold you, kiss you. I—I want to cherish you, love you. Do you even know how special you are? I want to know everything about you; I want to talk with you for hours and hours about just…everything, anything! I know that you have a husband and three kids, but I won't—I, I just…"

Oops.

My voice cracked on the last word. I was just babbling; words I had wanted to tell her for so long were suddenly pouring out of my mouth. How many times I had pictured having this very conversation. This was not how I planned it. Sobs racked my body and she pulled over on the side of the road. We had only been in the car for five minutes. She put the car in park, unbuckled her seat belt and turned her body towards me. I felt her hand on my back as she rubbed calming circles and tucked away the stray hairs that were falling in my face. She caressed my cheek with the back of her hand and wiped away my tears with her thumbs. I wanted to kiss her for that.

"You are beautiful, Ashley…so beautiful," she stroked my cheek and gave me a small smile. "You are going to make someone very happy one day…you deserve someone who can give you what you need, someone who can give you their whole self. But, that person is not me; I am married with three children. You deserve so much better than me; so much more than I could ever give to you."

I wanted to be mad at her. I really did. She was trying to be rational and that made me want to scream. But, the sincerity behind her words and in her eyes diffused every ounce of anger in me. I took her hand in mine and kissed the pulse point on her wrist. I glanced up to see her deep chocolate orbs whirling with emotion. Affection. Sympathy. Sadness. And…what was that last one? It had been there twice earlier and I couldn't decipher it. Though it seemed oddly familiar.

Then I recognized it. It was an emotion I knew all too well.

Longing.

She wanted this. Her body was betraying her words.

"I think that's a load of crap. Wha-what about a little bit ago? What was that? Did that mean anything to you? Because it sure as hell meant something to me."

She blinked a few times, but didn't break eye contact. She began to chew on her bottom lip, opened her mouth as if to say something, and then closed it quickly.

"I'm…I'm sorry I mislead you." She dropped her eyes and shook her head as that sound of desperation slowly began to trickle back into her words.

_Mislead me? Mis-fucking-lead me. _What the hell is that? She was kissing me back, sticking her damn tongue down my throat and putting her hands all over me. She liked it and she knew it. I snorted and turned to look out the window, tears threatening to break my countenance once more. _Traitorous bastards._

"Mislead me." I muttered.

She reached for my hand, but I squirmed away and then rounded on her.

"I _know_ you liked it, you would have shoved me away and told me to leave if you hadn't! Tell me you didn't like it, tell me you didn't like it at _all_ and I will get out of this car and we will never have to speak about this ever again—we can just act like it never happened."

Those tears that I had been so fervently trying to keep at bay broke through and spilled down my cheeks. She turned away from me, and put her hands in her lap. As the seconds passed, and then minutes, she just stared straight ahead, wringing her hands as if she could mash this conversation into a ball and toss it out the window. A tear fell from her eye and rolled down her cheek. She began to bite her lip again and I had to suppress a moan, I loved when she did that, it drove me insane.

"_I liked it_."

Her voice was at such a whisper, I almost didn't hear her.

Almost.

I leaned in until that dizzying scent invaded my nostrils once more and kissed the tears that were falling down her cheeks. My lips lingered on her soft skin, tainted by the salt of her tears. After a few moments I pulled back slightly to look at her. Her eyes, glistening in the sunlight from the tears, were so mesmerizing. We sat staring at one another for an indeterminate amount of time until she tentatively lifted her hand and traced the outlines of my lips with her fingertips. My eyes fluttered closed and goose bumps again erupted on my skin all the way to my lips, which were tingling pleasantly from her touch. I opened my eyes and the desire and hunger reflecting back at me was enough to make my eyes widen and my heart jolt. I side-glanced at the back seat of the car and waggled my eyebrows at her, while also wearing what had to be the goofiest smile. Her forehead wrinkled and she followed my gaze. When she realized what I was suggesting she rolled her eyes and smirked.

"Let's get you home. I know you have homework you need to be doing."

I, in turn, rolled my eyes. "Yes, _mother_."

She snapped her head to glare at me. "Do _not_ call me that."

Feeling drunk with giddiness, I giggled and grasped her right hand to kiss her knuckles. A reluctant smile broke out on her lips as she started the car and we drove off to the school, our hands intertwined.

My ethereal bliss lasted until I got home, and then it seeped into my dreams when I fell asleep later that evening. It wasn't until the next day that it wore off and something in an altogether different category came to the fore.

She's always in the same position when I go to my chair. She's always slightly hunched over in front of her computer with either her left hand tucked under her chin or thrumming against the desk, while her right one controls the computer mouse. Sometimes she is so wrapped up in what she's working on (grades, attendance, e-mail) that it takes me saying 'hey' before she even turns around. Other times she says 'hey' first with a small smile that usually makes my heart pitter patter. Today—because it was Friday—she was wearing jeans and a basketball t-shirt. And because I was two seconds away from jumping her bones, I thought it was just about the sexiest sight I had ever seen. I made sure to scoot my chair away from her a bit and speak up to keep myself from ripping those obstructive clothes off her body.

"Hey."

Her head titled slightly at the sound in acknowledgment before she cleared her throat and mumbled out her own 'hey'.

What—

Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Is she really going to be evasive today? How _mature._

I laid my backpack up against the wall behind my chair and crossed my jean clad legs. I sighed. Since she was going to make this awkward, I would have to be the one to try and make it not. Seriously, who was supposed to be the grown up in this situation again?

"How has your day been so far?"

She turned away from her computer and swiveled her chair so we were now facing each other. Still no eye contact. She ran her hand through her hair and looked around her classroom full of students who were chatting about their weekend plans. Her hand was slightly trembling.

She shrugged. "Good."

"And you?" _Well, three words are better than no words I guess_. It was my turn to shrug and my eyes flicked to a student who was now cackling like a witch.

"Boring. I almost committed suicide by pencil in Pre-Cal. Nothing new though."

She finally glanced up at me and I was rewarded with a crooked smile. My stomach flopped and there was a very prominent clench a bit lower. She shook her head softly and stood up to address her class. _Maybe she just had a bad morning—her coffee sucked or something_. She moved to the podium and began informing the students what would be on the agenda for today. They were going to read aloud the next chapter in _Of Mice and Men_.

Oh, how lovely. So today, of all days, would be one in which I get to sit for 50 minutes and try really, really hard not to gawp while she sits behind her desk and follows along with the students. Right beside me. Where she usually tucks one leg under herself and leans forward.

Steven was the first one to start reading and then it went in order by row after that. I twiddled my thumbs and decidedly stared at them and only them for a whole twenty minutes before I looked up to see her chewing on the inside of her cheek and bouncing her foot underneath the desk.

What is her deal today? Did she have to pee or something?

I'm not altogether sure if she had a weird sixth sense or if it was just coincidental, but at that second she gave me a quick sideways glance before her eyes darted back to her book. I furrowed my brow and then realized, at closer glance, her cheeks were slightly flushed and it looked as if she was barely succeeding in keeping herself still in her seat.

Oh. _Oh._ She definitely did not have to pee.

We _had_ been 'interrupted' yesterday and apparently I wasn't the only one who was suffering. She shifted and tucked her left leg underneath herself and she, of course, leaned forward, hunching over her book. Her shirt rode up and the tiniest sliver of her very red panties became visible from underneath her dark wash jeans.

I let out a very audible, shaky breath and her eyes shot to mine. This time she didn't look away and I saw a flicker of shock and then anger play across her features before she motioned her head toward the front of the class.

A warning.

_Yes, I fucking well know that there are students here, Julie_. _Maybe you should stop fidgeting and sending 'please take me on my desk' glances and this wouldn't be a problem._ I tried to convey that through my own pointed glare and apparently it worked for her face became an even brighter shade of pink and she turned back to her book, slowly untucking her leg.

After class, once the last person had left the room and the door had clicked shut, I rounded on her. There was usually at least a minute or so before fourth period students started walking through the door and I was damn well going to use it.

"You want to explain to me what the hell is going on with you?"

She was on her computer again, obviously not paying any attention to what was on the screen. At my question she whirled around in her chair and gave me an incredulous look.

"_Me? _What about you? I mean my _God_, Ashley. Why didn't you just jump in my lap and have your way with me right here on my desk!" She gestured wildly with her hands.

"_Seriously?" _I gritted my teeth. "You're yelling at _me _right now? You were the one who couldn't stop fidgeting! Giving me glances every five fucking seconds! _Jesus, Julie_! You're giving me whiplash with your bipolar emotions here!"

By the time that last sentence sputtered out of my mouth, I was shouting and we were both breathing heavily. And because sexual frustration is a persistent little bastard, for a second I was smacked in the face with the image of angry sex with Julie. _My God. _If she was vocal during _foreplay_…

"I—

The door handle turned and opened.

We both startled (me more than her because I had begun mentally undressing her) as it opened and one of my fellow classmates, Alyson, walked in and went to her seat in the front, next to the podium. She was completely oblivious, _thank God_, to the conversation…if it could be considered as much…that had been transpiring. She smiled beatifically up at Julie.

"Morning, Mrs. H."

I looked over to see her sporting a really convincing impression of a deer in headlights; slack jaw, eyes wide. I cleared my throat and she visibly shook herself before she gave Alyson a tight smile.

"Good morning, Alyson."

She faced her computer resolutely. I wanted to throw the damn thing through a glass window. Preferably on a floor with at least two digits so I could have the satisfaction in watching it shatter into a thousand pieces. I snatched my backpack up off the floor and, like a petulant child, stomped my way to my desk. Which was three desks back from her own. As I flopped into my seat her eyes found mine. Her gaze was pure murder.

Despite myself, I shuddered. She could be downright scary when she wanted to be. Like when she was angry. And she was definitely angry. With me.

I was angry too though, dammit. Rightfully so.

So I reciprocated and simpered with satisfaction when she broke eye contact first.

I couldn't sleep that night. Once class had begun she didn't look at me once. I didn't open my usually loquacious mouth either. I sat and brewed the entire 55 minutes. I mean, seriously. Was she only just now realizing how utterly fucked up this was? I hadn't exactly beat around the bush with how I felt either.

When lunch came around I grabbed my backpack and left her room without so much as a parting glance. I was fed up. Done. If she wanted to act like an ignorant child, so be it. I was going to be no part of it. No matter how much I wanted to have sex with her.

I lay in my bed, silently cursing the day Mrs. H's name came up on my schedule. I would much rather be in Mr. Creepy Ass Fulton's class right now.

My mind then decided to play the 'let's think about all the pros and cons of having an affair with a supposedly straight, married woman with three children.'

I was coming up with more cons than I was pros, naturally, and the cons were of more significance and were accompanied by consequences…obviously. It's not like this affair—God I hate that word—is or would be going anywhere. How could it? She has a husband; a loving, wonderful husband, three amazing kids, and a successful job. She has a perfect life.

And yet, she's now having a…._fooling_ _around_ with me (that sounds even worse). A student. Twice her junior. A_ girl._ She's straight for crying out loud. Although, in today's society labels _are_ quickly becoming irrelevant. I had always been averse to labels, anyways. They're too constricting, especially in reference to sexuality. So, she what? Likes girls on the side? Or is it just a fluke? Curiosity?

Does that mean her seemingly perfect life is only just that: seemingly? Why on earth would she choose me? I'm like average at best. Why not some devilishly handsome senior from the football team? Or if girls fit her fancy, why not one of the pretty "I'll do _anything _for an 'A'" girls who definitely would be into to doing a female teacher for the sake of a good grade. Those girls, unfortunately, exist at our school. Why not another teacher for Christ's sake? At least they were in the same age group. Or, I'm pretty sure they have hotlines for this sort of thing. 1-800-WannaAQuickFuck?

It's not like she's particularly biting at the bit to get in my pants, though. Quite the opposite, really. I mean obviously she wants me, but if she wanted me that badly, or sex in general that badly, she could have already had it. She could have had it in the car the other day when it was just us if that's all she had wanted from me. So what in the _hell _did she want? And why _me_? Sure, we have a much more intimate teacher/student relationship than most, the last couple of days notwithstanding. We spend 15-20 hours each week together. Obviously, we're going to be close. But, I don't—oh.

Maybe…maybe that's just it. She doesn't want some random person. A random person wouldn't keep their mouth shut if word were to get out. A random person wouldn't take the blame. No, a random person would throw Julie under the bus without the blink of an eye if it meant saving their own tail.

I wouldn't, couldn't. I'd slit my own throat before I did or said anything to compromise her job, her family. It's because it's _me_. And she knows. Knows how I feel about her, and what I would indubitably do for her. Hadn't I just confessed that not a day ago?

Of course, after today I'm not really sure how _she_ feels about me.

And that still doesn't answer the question of what she _wants _from me.

I groaned, rolled over and thumped my pillow. I wanted to scream into it but was afraid it would be too loud even through the fluffy barrier. My parents' room was directly above mine.

I wondered how many pills it would take to knock me unconscious. Probably not more than eight, nine? Mm. I have a high tolerance, so definitely at least twelve. Would that kill me? Eh. Might be for the better.

_Um_. What?

Melodramatic, much? Sheesh. Get a grip.

But I couldn't. I couldn't get a grip nor could I sleep. Music didn't distract me. I tried a book but I just kept reading the same sentence over and over again. My mind kept flashing with images of her smile, her hands playing with a strand of her ebony hair lacing together with ones of her dark eyes piercing me through with uninhibited rage. I didn't want her to ever look at me like that again. I didn't want to be the reason behind so much fury. It wasn't my fault she was basically begging for it today. And she was. She knows she was. So why all the anger towards me?

My head was throbbing. I smashed the heels of my hands over my eyes and exhaled an attempt at a calming breath. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in…breathe out.

After a few painstakingly slow minutes, my body began to relax and the thoughts that were so furiously bouncing around in my mind began to slow. Ebb away. Until eventually, finally, I fell asleep.

_"Asheey, hey Asheey!" Emmalyn was kicking and squealing in her car seat and I turned to see her dancing to the song on the radio, Call Me Maybe. I began dancing along with her, flailing my arms and wiggling and twisting my body as much as the seat would allow. Her eyes slipped shut as her little body shook with laughter._

_Carson was in the seat next to her swaying his feet along to the music and softly singing, "So call me, baby." _

_I heard soft chuckles coming from Julie as she watched in the rear view mirror before focusing her eyes back on the road. _

_"Carson, honey. That's not how the song goes."_

_"Mommaaaa." He drawled. "I make it sound better." The chorus flowed through the speakers again, and in a much louder voice Carson squawked out: _

_"SO CALL ME, BABY." Emmalyn began giggling uncontrollably along with Carson who was now making up new words and singing nowhere near the right key. Even Natalie's lips quirked as she stared out the window in the seat behind Emmalyn, those ear buds forever attached to her ears; as if they were an extra appendage. _

_We came to a stop light._

_I looked over at Julie, still laughing; her eyes shining. I cupped her cheek and caressed her cheekbone with my thumb. _

_The light turned green._

_The van inched forward as we held each other's gaze a second longer. She was so beautiful, so happy. I traced her lips with my thumb and she kissed the pad of it._

_I didn't see it coming. _

_She turned back to the road, a grin still on her face. _

_There was a blood curdling scream that sounded a lot like 'Mom'. Natalie. _

_My head whipped to the side and Julie gasped loudly, unbridled horror marring her beautiful features as a garbage truck barreled into the driver's side of the van._

_Her side._

_There was an impossibly loud BANG! And then the sound of metal being twisted; glass being shattered as the van was crushed against a telephone pole. _

_When I awoke I was keenly aware of the silence._

_No crying. No heavy breathing. No whimpering. Nothing._

_I wiped at my face as something dripped down my forehead and into my eyes. I tried to turn my body to see Julie but was soon convulsing in a fit of overwhelming coughs. It felt like there was a fifty pound weight laying on my chest, crushing my lungs, constricting my breath. Why couldn't I—_

_I glanced down to see an impressively large shard of glass sticking out of my right side. I couldn't feel it, or anything for that matter. Why could I not feel anything? I then realized I couldn't see my legs. The dash had bent in on itself, trapping them beneath it. Shouldn't that hurt? _

_No. The only thing I felt was a dull ache in my head and more liquid as it invaded my vision a second time. Frustrated, I scrubbed my hand across my face with a little more fervor only to gasp loudly as my hand came back covered in a sticky red substance. Blood. _

_My brain was working in slow motion. It was as if it was wrapped in a thick wad of gauze. I was everywhere and nowhere. I couldn't understand what was happening. Why I was bleeding. Why I felt nothing. There seemed to be only one thought screaming in my head. _Why are there no sounds!?_ I swiveled my head to the left, mindful of keeping my body straight. _

_No. No, no, no. Please, no. _

_I choked out a strangled sob as my eyes fell upon her face. There were tiny pieces of glass shards covering the left side of her forehead and cheek. Her head had lolled to the right, her chin now rested on her right shoulder; her eyes were closed. Her hair was matted to her face, blood and glass tangled in with her black, silky locks. My eyes went to her chest. It wasn't moving. _

_My eyes then traversed down to her stomach; which was being impaled by the door of the van. I could see the large piece of metal jutting out of her right side; glistening with red stickiness. It had gone straight..straight…_through_ her._

_Big, fat tears were rolling down my face, burning trails down my cheeks and forming into one stream at the base of my throat. I might have been sobbing, or just silently weeping. I wasn't really sure. I willed her chest to start moving. _

_She looked utterly lifeless. And pale. So, incredibly pale. _

_I heard a voice saying, "C'mon, Jules. Honey—p-please breathe for me. I- I n-need you to breathe for me!"_

_It sounded so hoarse and gravely. And broken. So completely broken. I then realized it had been my own voice. _

_She didn't respond to it. _

_I needed to touch her. Maybe she would wake up, and this would all turn out to be a horrible dream and my touch was the only way to get us out of it. I reached for her but I doubled over as a blinding pain surged through my torso. I began drowning in a sea of white; uninhibited and cutting through my flesh like a serrated knife. I couldn't breathe; numb with agony, I was in a hellish sort of limbo. _

_After a few minutes or maybe a few hours, the white began to subside and I was slowly able to see again. Not that I wanted to. I wanted to die. I wanted to be no part of a world where Julie didn't exist._

_I prayed to God to please wake her up, let her be alive. _

_But, she wasn't. Her chest didn't start moving. Her eyes remained closed. She was gone. _

_My beautiful girl. _Dead_. _

_Ignoring the constriction of my lungs, I slowly turned my head to look in the back seat. _

_Please, please let them be alive. I can't lose them too. I can't._

_Another strangled cry burst from my lips. _

_Her three children. Lifeless. Just as pale. Just as broken. Gone._

_There was a loud bang and I flinched, which in turn sent another jolt of excruciating pain through my body. So much for not feeling anything. Turning my head to the passenger window, which surprisingly was now not shattered, I was met with the fists of someone pounding against the glass. My eyes, blurred by the blood seeping down my face once more, blinked rapidly as the figure slowly began to materialize. Recognition flittered through my muddled brain as a voice shouted incessantly through the pane. _

_"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FAMILY?"_

_Jake._

I shot up out of my bed gasping and gulping for air. My tank top was clung to my body from sweat. Perspiration was also dripping down my face, mixing with salty tears. I couldn't catch my breath. My chest ached. I desperately tried to restore air to my lungs but it was a futile attempt.

For a couple of seconds I had no idea where I was, what time it was, what day it was, what year it was. It was pitch black. As I blinked, and my eyes adjusted to the dark room, faint outlines of a familiar furniture lay out began to appear. My bedroom. I was in my room, in my bed. Not in a van. Not in that awful v-van. _She's not dead. She can't be dead. Nothing happened. She's not dead. _My brain was stuck on that last sentence, repeating it over and over again; like a broken record. I covered my face with my clammy hands.

My door cracked open and a sliver of light shone into my room. I squinted against the brightness and my mom came to crouch beside my bed. She always was a light sleeper…or had I screamed? She brushed away the knotted strands of hair that were sticking to my face and neck. She went to close the door and then slipped in next to me in the bed, cradling me in her lap. No words were needed. She didn't ask what was wrong and I didn't tell her.

She began to lightly hum and whisper assurances into my ear as she slowly rocked us back and forth. The tears that were rolling down my face ceased; leaving sticky tracks on my cheeks. Her hand soothed circles along my back and eventually my breathing evened out, my mind went blank, and I was pulled under by a deep, dreamless slumber.

When I awoke again it was still dark in my room. I rolled over and noticed I was the only one in bed. My mother had gone back upstairs, then. I instinctively reached for my phone and unlocked the screen, temporarily blinded by the bright light. 4:33. I groaned.

Chewing on the inside of my lip, I tapped my fingers against the screen. I shouldn't do it. She's sleeping. Her kids are sleeping. Her _husband _is sleeping right _next _to her. But, my mind was still reeling from that dream.

Yes, logically, I knew she wasn't in a car crash. Logically, I knew she was sleeping soundly and peacefully in the comfort of her and her husband's bed. She was probably having lovely dreams of her lovely family. Who am I to wake her from them?

Logically, it would be the dumbest idea ever to call her up at 4:30 in the morning just to make sure for certain she was still_ alive. _

Unexpectedly, images of bloody glass shards and a pale, lifeless face bombarded my vision and I screwed my eyes shut, shaking my head violently. No, no. She's alive. It was just a dream. _Only_ a dream.

But, what if she really is dead and the last thing I'll have to remember is the way her eyes burned me with the intensity of her anger?

I blew out a gush of air that I had apparently been holding.

Fuck that.

Logic could shove it.

I scrolled through my contacts, stopping on her name. I pressed 'Send' and her smiling face popped up; the dial tone rang almost ominously in my ear. I ran my hand through my terribly ratty hair and hoped she didn't answer.

Now that I had already gone and called her, the rational side, the _logical_ part of my brain began working again and I realized I was calling my English teacher, married with three children, at 4:30 in the morning to make sure she was still breathing because I had a dream she died in a car crash. Fantastic. Now I'm going to be the one who ends up dead. She'll prob—

"Are you _insane?_" A scathing whisper came through the phone and every bone in my body turned to rubber.

_Shit. _

"I—uh. I'm s-sorry Julie…I…" There was a rustle over the phone and then a distinct click. Did she just—I pulled the phone away from my ear. Yep. She had definitely just hung up on me.

I threw my phone on the floor and smothered my face in my pillow. Maybe 12 pills hadn't been so melodramatic after all.

At least I know she's not dead. I snorted.

Yeah, great.

I was dreading third period.

No. Not dreading. There wasn't a word in the English language sufficient enough to describe how I was feeling. There were so many butterflies in my stomach I half expected one to come flying out of my mouth. Maybe that'd get me a trip to the hospital…or a mental institution—they'd have to send me somewhere, right? And either one of those options would be delightfully welcome.

I was so high strung that when the bell rang at the end of second period I actually shot out of my seat and consequently banged both of my knees under the desk. _Fucking OW._

Too nervous to even attempt using the restroom—surprisingly, I actually didn't feel the need to pee at all; I guess even my pee was scared—I was literally shaking as I made my way through the chatter-filled halls. I took a deep breath before I opened the door and made my way into the lion's den.

But because I had walked at a snail's pace, most of the kids were already in their seats. _Whew._ I sat down in my chair and put my backpack next to me.

She didn't turn around. But her shoulders visibly tensed.

I had no idea how she was going to play this one off. I pictured her dragging me through the halls and tossing me out the doors. Yelling at me in the middle of the class, students be damned. Or pulling me by the hair and drowning me in a sink.

All of those seemed more than plausible after my stunt a mere five hours ago.

As the seconds ticked by, and then the minutes, none of those things happened. She didn't look away from her computer—actually the only thing that moved was her hand as she clicked away at her mouse. Otherwise, every muscle in her body was still; coiled so tightly it seemed even the slightest whisper of a touch could make her snap. I wondered if she was in pain; her jaw was clenched so forcefully I could actually hear it screaming in agony.

The bell rang signaling the beginning of third period. Even the students could sense the icy tension rolling off of Julie in gigantic waves. It was so quiet I could hear my heart thumping in my chest. Or maybe that's because I was about to have an anxiety attack.

She finally turned away from her computer and faced the class. Every single pair of eyes were fixated on her, seemingly waiting for the ball to drop, for her to scream at them even though _they_ had done nothing wrong. It was kind of surreal how attentive they were being at that moment; Julie closed her lesson plan and cleared her throat.

"So, I know a lot of you have said you'd like to go back to the computer lab to work on your papers, which are due next week, so I've decided to let you guys do that. I want to see at least three pages, half of your works cited, and 30 notecards. Remember, you need at least 50 and those are the only types of notes you are allowed to use during your speech. Here, Jake. It's the same one we used the other day, just down the hall."

She handed the key over to Jake, who had scurried up to her desk, and everyone began packing up their things and walking out of the room as quickly as possible without making it seem like they were trying to get out of there as quickly as possible. I looked after them longingly, envying every single hair on every single one of their heads and suddenly a light bulb went off in my head. _I don't actually have to stay here with her, I only do it to spend more of my time with her. _Maybe if I jus—

"_No_. Don't even try it." I froze mid-stand and swiftly sat back down, not facing her. I couldn't…nor did I have to. I knew her glare would be potent enough to reduce me to a trembling puddle. Without turning around, I attempted an apology.

"Julie—I-I am, I'm really sorry. I—"

"Turn around." I turned.

"You are never again to call me on my cellphone. Do you understand?"

Her eyes were cold and unflinching; her voice as hard as steel. My heart swooped and a lump lodged in my throat; I tried to swallow it down but only ended up making it worse. Was she really going to end this? Before it even started? Before I got the chance to show her how much I loved her?

"Y-yes." It came out as a tremulous whisper. I wasn't capable of producing much else. She had given me her number a few months ago for emergencies and I hadn't done anything more than text her a few times—she was an awful texter, she takes hours before every reply, and on some occasions, days. I had been too scared to call her. And when I finally mustered up the courage to do so, it just had to be at the worst possible time.

Her voice cut through my thoughts. It was even harsher than before; she was actually _snarling_ at me.

"You do realize my husband could have asked me who was on the phone. He could have woken up, asked and I would've had to lie to him. Or do you think he would have been ok with me telling him it was you? Calling me at 4:30 in the morning for…what exactly?" She threw her hands up in the air and then slapped them back down to her knees. "Why did you call me, Ashley?"

I was looking anywhere but her, my eyes not lingering on anything for more than a couple of seconds. I probably looked like a schizophrenic. A surprisingly strong hand wrenched my chin upwards and I gasped; the motion forcing me to look directly into fiery dark brown eyes.

"_Why did you call me?" _

I wanted, no _needed_ to look away, but I couldn't. She was drowning me. It was as if I was paralyzed, and not even the muscles in my eyes would move. Unshed tears were blurring my vision and my chin began to quiver under her fingers. _Stupid, you're so stupid. _

And with that thought came the freight train. It hit me at a 90 mile an hour speed.

She is _married._ She has _kids._ She is _straight. _And she is your _teacher._

I was unaware of the fact that I had begun to hyperventilate. That my whole body was trembling. That suddenly her eyes weren't filled with unbridled rage anymore. They were…they were…concerned, if not slightly scared. Why was she scared? My eyes widened and then her hand was no longer under my chin. It was smoothing long, languid circles into my back. She was…comforting me? Wha—and that's when I realized I couldn't feel my fingers. Or my nose. Or my face.

Panic attack. Shit.

I used to get them frequently as a child. There was one that had been so bad I thought I was going to die. I could only breathe through the tiniest 'o' shaped hole in my mouth. I had never been so scared in my entire life. On our way to the hospital—my mom, white as a sheet, holding onto my wrists for dear life, trying to calm me down—I prayed to God to please let me come to Heaven. To please let me die peacefully.

I certainly did not want to end up in _that_ situation again. Least of all with Julie being a witness to it. So I closed my eyes and worked on my breathing. Slow, deep breath in. Slow, deep breath out. And repeat. I focused on the timbre of her soft, lulling voice. The way her words curved and tilted. I focused on the silky chocolate color of her eyes. That one little freckle she had in the right one. I had never noticed that before. I was rooted to reality by her hand on my back. She was touching me; she was real. I wasn't going to slip away. Breathe. You're here, she's here. Everything is going to be fine.

"You're okay, everything's going to be fine. Just breathe for me, sweetie."

I reached out to that last word and latched onto it; held on to it for dear life. _Sweetie._ It sounded so right coming from her lips. It grounded me…kept me from slipping into that unending darkness. Kept me from the fear.

My breath was beginning to even out, and the room wasn't spinning anymore. My senses were starting to come back to me and the numbness I felt in my face and hands was beginning to recede. When I opened my eyes, it was to see so much concern and _love _gazing back at me that anything else prior to this exact moment didn't exist. There was nothing but her and I; no argument, no affair, no kids, no secrets, nothing. Her thumb was rubbing gently against my cheekbone and her lips quirked into a smile before it suddenly slid off her face and dropped into a stern frown. Her hand slipped away from my face as did the other on my back and they came to rest in her lap. She leaned back as far away from me as possible and then pursed her lips. I knit my brow and tried to tilt my head so I could see her eyes. She turned her head away, took a deep breath and then decidedly fixed her gaze on me. Her eyes were cold again.

"I can't see you anymore."

It felt like someone had just kicked me square in the chest, expelling all the oxygen left in my lungs…and then some. I shook my head and tried to blink back more tears that suddenly began filling my eyes. I was just about to attempt a shot at words when she cut me off, effectively snapping my mouth shut.

"I think it would be best for you to switch into another English class. I've already talked to Mrs. Jones about it and she gave the ok. I-I just told her that it would better benefit you to be in another teacher's class."

No, no no _no_.

I bit my quivering lip and bowed my head so she couldn't see the tears now sliding down my face.

"And if—if you would like to be an assistant for another teacher…"

I cast my eyes up then, making her trail off.

"But, Ashley. You can't come around here anymore. Not unless someone needs or asks you to or if y….just—" She let out a frustrated sigh, a chink in her neutral façade. "I can't _see_ you anymore. Ok?"

No, not ok. This was too final; too definite. I didn't know what was worse: the actual words themselves or the way she seemed completely unaffected by this; as if this wasn't the worst possible moment in her entire life. Not even her eyes showed any emotion.

I envied her for that. I hated her for that. Why was she so…so fucking _calm_ when I was seconds away from falling apart? Why, _why _was she insisting on being the adult now? This was just too much, way too much, and I managed a choked 'ok' before bolting out of my chair—backpack flopping in my hand—and running out of that room. Away from her soft hands. Away from her lips. Away from those goddamned eyes. Away from _her_.

Away from the _pain_.

There may have been a whispered 'Ashley' or there might not have been. The blood had been pumping too loudly in my head that the only thing I was able to do was get to the bathroom in time to throw up. I hadn't known I was nauseated until I was steps away from the bathroom stall. Then throwing up seemed like most apt thing to do. Maybe all these stupid feelings would come tumbling out of me as well. They've only ever caused me torment anyway. '_It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' _my ass. If Lord Tennyson were still alive, I'd hunt him down and punch him in the face. Repeatedly.

The rest of the day passed by me in a blur. I wasn't really here; I was just this ghost of the person called Ashley. My teachers, whom always receive at least a few smiles from me every day looked on with concern. I didn't notice. I didn't care. I didn't care about anything one _damn bit. _I wasn't even mad at Julie. I couldn't even tell if I loved her anymore. I just…felt…nothing. I was empty, hollow, gutted. And in that moment, sitting in child development, I wanted to die. Actually, truly did not want to live anymore. What was the point? Julie didn't want to see me anymore and that's how it was going to be.


End file.
